Men, Stop Chasing and Start Attracting

I didn’t intend for this one to be this long, so take a seat, open your mind, and breathe while you read. If you want to jump ahead to the end, I offer a summary there. But if you’re truly here to learn, let each word move through you.

Approaching a woman, especially in polyamorous spaces, is a sacred invitation not an invasion. Too many men show up thinking polyamory means endless access, treating women like trophies or conquests.

It doesn’t.

At Axioms of Love, we believe in Love Unbound: love that flows freely, rooted in presence, honesty, and deep respect. When you approach a woman, you enter her universe. She is not a box to check or a vessel to fill your emptiness.

Your energy speaks before your words do. How you move, how you listen, how you show up in community, all of it shapes whether you’re seen as an invitation or an intrusion.

So ask yourself: Am I here to truly connect, to embody Love Unbound, or am I taking space?

This guide will help you move with intention and reverence. Breathe. Soften. Listen.

Let’s begin.

Start with Self-Work

Before you approach any woman, begin with the deepest connection you can cultivate: the one with yourself.

Ask yourself why you are drawn to polyamory. Is it about expansion, deeper intimacy, and community? Or is it about avoiding commitment, chasing novelty, or feeding an ego hungry for validation?

Women feel the difference immediately. A man grounded in Love Unbound arrives with an open heart and clear intentions. A man seeking to patch old wounds with new bodies brings restless energy that repels rather than attracts.

Self-work is more than going to the gym or driving an expensive car. It is not about the image you present but the inner world you tend. It means examining your beliefs around love, control, and vulnerability. It means facing your insecurities instead of masking them behind muscles or status symbols.

True self-work asks you to challenge the old story that masculinity is about conquest and dominance. It invites you to discover presence, softness, and emotional courage.

This journey also includes healing your relationship with rejection. Rejection is not an attack on your worth; it is information about alignment. When you learn to hold a "no" with grace, you show that you respect her autonomy as deeply as you honor your own desires.

True polyamory is not about how many people say yes to you. It is about how authentically you can show up for the few who do, and how deeply you can hold space for each connection.

When you stand firmly in your own wholeness, you become an invitation instead of an intrusion. This is the foundation for every approach that follows.

Cultivating Presence Before Approach

Before you even think about reaching out, take time to understand the space you are stepping into. Whether you are entering an online polyamory group, attending a munch, or joining a local community event, presence is your first offering.

Presence is not about standing in the corner silently or flooding the chat with performative vulnerability. It is about learning the culture, feeling the energy, and allowing people to get a sense of who you are before you approach them directly.

In online spaces, this might look like genuinely engaging in group discussions, sharing thoughtful reflections, or supporting community topics without expecting immediate attention in return. In person, it means showing up with curiosity, not a hunting gaze. Let your energy introduce you before your words do.

Let her notice how you hold yourself. Let her see you laugh, share, and listen. When you move in this way, you create an aura of openness rather than urgency.

Avoid the urge to jump straight into private messages or hover intensely at events. Women notice the man who respects the flow of a space, who builds trust before intimacy.

Cultivating presence also means being aware of your own energy. Are you grounded and centered, or anxious and performing? Take a breath. Feel your feet on the ground. Soften your chest.

The more you learn to simply be, without constant effort to get, the more naturally connection will find you. You become a safe place rather than a chasing force.

When you move through community as an authentic presence rather than an opportunistic seeker, you align with the true spirit of Love Unbound. You show that your interest is not just in taking but in truly being with.

Online Etiquette: Beyond DMs and Explicit Photos

In polyamorous spaces, online connections are often the first doorway. They can become portals to deep friendships, romantic sparks, and chosen family, but they require care and intention.

Start with your profile. Be clear and transparent. State that you are polyamorous, not just "open" or "ENM," and share what that actually means to you. Express your values instead of listing rules. Show that you are a whole human being, not just a relationship status looking for more status.

When you do reach out, never lead with comments on her body or sexual suggestions. Begin with curiosity, respect, and presence. Reference something she shared if possible. Ask about her passions, her art, her dreams.

Do not jump into her private messages the moment you see her. Let her feel your presence in the shared space first. Respond to public posts, contribute thoughtfully, and build trust in the open before stepping into private conversation.

Never send explicit photos. Unsolicited sexual images are not invitations. They are violations. They signal entitlement and a lack of emotional maturity. If she wants that level of intimacy, she will invite you into it.

Understand that consent online is as real and sacred as in person. Just because someone is visible and active does not mean they are available to you.

Approach her inbox the way you would approach her physical space in person: with reverence, patience, and a genuine desire to connect.

When you embody these values, you show that your interest is not in collecting bodies but in creating real connection. You move from a mindset of taking to a mindset of being present.

This is how we live Love Unbound online, with clarity, respect, and deep listening that builds trust from the very first word.

In-Person Connections: Slow Magic

When you meet someone in person, everything is magnified. Your energy, your body language, and the way you move through a space all speak louder than any carefully crafted words.

Slow down. Let presence guide you.

Start by reading the room. Notice her body language and the signals she gives. Is she open and engaged, or keeping distance? Respect her cues instead of pushing past them to get what you want.

Approach with curiosity, not expectation. Instead of asking immediately about her relationship style or sexual interests, ask what lights her up in life. What brings her joy? What is she passionate about? These questions invite her spirit to the conversation instead of reducing her to a potential partner or conquest.

When it comes to physical closeness or touch, always ask or clearly check in. Even small touches on the arm or hugs require awareness and consent. Remember that her comfort is not guaranteed just because you feel drawn to her.

Pay attention to your own energy. Are you grounded and calm, or are you vibrating with anxious need? Take a breath. Feel your feet on the ground. Return to your center before you step into her space.

Let her notice how you interact with others, how you listen, and how you show up in the moment. Your presence can become an invitation rather than a demand.

In-person connection is not a race. It is slow magic. Trust the unfolding rather than forcing a moment.

By moving with patience and care, you create space for her to feel safe and seen. This is how you embody Love Unbound in the physical world, honoring her as a whole person rather than a goal to be reached.

Practicing Ongoing Consent

Consent is not a single yes at the beginning of an interaction. It is a continuous conversation.

Many men think that once a woman says yes to a date, a kiss, or intimacy, the door is permanently open. In truth, consent lives and breathes. It can change in a moment.

Practicing ongoing consent means staying attentive to her verbal and nonverbal cues. Is she relaxed or does she seem tense? Is she fully engaged or pulling back? A woman may agree to something in one moment and feel differently in the next. Respecting that shift is a core part of building trust.

Emotional consent is just as important. Before sharing your deepest fears or intense personal stories, check in to see if she has the capacity to hold that space with you. Overloading someone emotionally without permission can be just as violating as physical oversteps.

If she hesitates, pauses, or withdraws, see it as valuable information rather than a rejection of your entire being. Breathe, check in, and allow her to recalibrate.

Honor her no as much as you celebrate her yes. When you show that her boundaries matter more to you than your desires, you create safety. That safety is what allows real intimacy to grow.

Practicing ongoing consent is a living expression of Love Unbound. It shows that you value her autonomy, her feelings, and her freedom in every moment you share.

Toxic Masculinity and Polyamory

Many men enter polyamory thinking it will magically dissolve the old patterns of possessiveness and control. But the truth is, polyamory does not heal toxic masculinity on its own. It simply reveals it.

Toxic masculinity shows up when men treat women as trophies to collect or see multiple relationships as proof of their worth. It shows up when men become jealous if a partner connects deeply with someone else, even as they pursue new connections themselves. It lives in the belief that masculinity is tied to domination, sexual conquests, or emotional detachment.

The "alpha male" myth is one of the most harmful stories men bring into polyamory. It pushes the idea that a man must dominate every room, win every woman, and always be the most desirable and powerful presence.

This mindset is not only outdated, it is deeply unattractive to women who value real connection. The "alpha male" myth centers ego over intimacy. It teaches men to collect experiences and people as badges of honor rather than to build genuine bonds rooted in respect and care.

True confidence is quiet. It does not need to announce itself or compete. It shows up as calm presence, emotional availability, and the willingness to be vulnerable. Women are drawn to men who are self-possessed, not self-important.

Real polyamory asks you to release these outdated stories. It invites you to embrace vulnerability, tenderness, and accountability. It challenges you to see love as abundant rather than scarce, and to celebrate the autonomy of every partner rather than control them.

Doing this inner work means asking yourself hard questions. Can I sit with my feelings of insecurity without projecting them onto others? Can I celebrate my partner’s joy even when it does not include me? Can I hold space for her full humanity without trying to mold it to my comfort?

Healthy masculinity in polyamory looks like honoring all connections with care, supporting partners' freedom, and showing up with emotional depth. It means dismantling old power dynamics and choosing presence over performance.

When you move from this place, you embody Love Unbound in its purest form. You become a safe harbor instead of a storm. You show that real strength lives in softness and real courage lives in surrendering control.

Following Up with Integrity

Connection does not end when you leave an event or log off an app. The way you follow up reveals your true character more than any first impression ever could.

Integrity means keeping your word. If you say you will message, call, or check in, do it. Following through shows respect not only for her but for yourself and the energy you shared.

If you sense the connection shifting or no longer feel aligned, communicate clearly and kindly. Ghosting is a betrayal of trust, especially in polyamorous communities where word travels and safety is built on mutual respect.

When you move with integrity, you allow space for honest feelings to surface. You give her the dignity of clarity rather than confusion. Even if it is difficult, choosing honesty protects both your hearts and strengthens community trust.

Remember that every interaction ripples beyond the two of you. The way you close a connection can either leave someone feeling empowered and respected or leave them questioning their worth.

Integrity also means honoring her decisions without trying to persuade or manipulate. If she decides not to continue, accept it with grace. Celebrate the experience for what it was instead of clinging to what it could have been.

True follow-up is an extension of Love Unbound. It shows that you are not here to collect stories and disappear but to build meaningful, conscious connections that honor everyone’s humanity.

Reframing Success: Connection Over Conquest

Many men enter polyamory with an unspoken scoreboard in their mind. They count matches, dates, kisses, and sexual encounters as signs of success. This mindset is not love; it is conquest disguised as connection.

True success in polyamory is not measured by how many people say yes. It is measured by how deeply you can show up for the people who do.

When you move from a place of conquest, each interaction becomes a transaction. You see people as opportunities instead of as living, breathing worlds. You focus on the outcome rather than the experience.

Connection asks you to slow down and be present. It invites you to savor shared laughter, tender silences, and honest conversations. It asks you to value the unfolding of a moment more than the promise of what might come later.

Success is being able to hold space for someone’s full humanity, even when it does not serve your desires. It is celebrating another’s joy without centering yourself. It is being able to walk away from an interaction with gratitude rather than disappointment when things do not align.

When you shift from conquest to connection, you stop asking "What can I get from her?" and start asking "How can we create something meaningful together?"

This is the heart of Love Unbound. It is a love that prioritizes presence over performance, quality over quantity, and depth over accumulation. It is a love that transforms each encounter into a sacred exchange, no matter how long it lasts.

The Sacred Dance of Approach

Approaching a woman is not about strategy or tricks. It is a sacred dance, an invitation to share space, energy, and possibility.

When you come from a place of wholeness, you move as an offering rather than a demand. You honor her as a universe, not a prize. You learn to listen with your whole being, to soften where you once forced, and to celebrate her autonomy as much as your own desire.

Love Unbound calls us to show up without armor, to hold connection as sacred, and to release the old stories of dominance and conquest. It reminds us that every woman you meet is a mirror and a teacher, revealing where you are in your own journey.

So breathe deeply. Ground yourself. Let each approach be guided by curiosity, respect, and care.

Approach not to collect, but to connect. Approach not to conquer, but to co-create.

May your path be filled with real moments, open hearts, and the quiet magic that comes from moving with intention.

This is the way of Love Unbound.

Quick Summary: How to Approach Women as a Polyamorous Man

If you skipped ahead, welcome. Here’s the essence of what we explored together:

• Start with self-work. Examine your reasons for practicing polyamory. Heal your insecurities. Show up whole, not hunting for someone to fix or validate you.

• Cultivate presence before approaching. Learn the space first. Let people see you engage authentically before sliding into private conversations. Move with patience and curiosity, not urgency.

• Respect online etiquette. Be clear and transparent in your profile. Avoid jumping into DMs too quickly. Never send unsolicited explicit photos. Approach her inbox as you would her physical space: with respect and consent.

• Move slowly in person. Read her body language. Ask thoughtful, non-invasive questions. Respect her energetic and physical boundaries. Let connection build organically.

• Practice ongoing consent. Consent is a living process, not a one-time pass. Check in continually. Honor her no as much as her yes.

• Dismantle toxic masculinity. Release the "alpha male" myth. Choose vulnerability over performance. Celebrate her autonomy and joy rather than trying to control or compete.

• Follow up with integrity. Keep your word. Communicate clearly if feelings shift. Avoid ghosting and handle endings with grace.

• Value connection over conquest. Focus on depth, not numbers. Move from taking to co-creating. Honor each interaction as sacred, even if it doesn't lead to more.

When you approach from a place of Love Unbound, you transform each interaction into an opportunity for authentic connection, healing, and growth — for her, for you, and for your community.