When “Yes” Isn’t Consent: Power, Pressure, and the Politics of Intimacy

Consent is more than a word. It is a practice rooted in respect, self-awareness, and relational integrity. We are taught that “yes means yes,” but what happens when that yes is shaped by fear, obligation, power imbalance, or manipulation? What if someone agrees because saying no doesn’t feel safe?

In any relationship structure (monogamous, polyamorous, kinky, casual, or long-term) it is critical to understand the difference between genuine consent and compliance disguised as agreement.

Understanding Real Consent: The FRIES Model

To clarify what consent truly looks like, educators often use the FRIES model:

• Freely Given: Not coerced, pressured, or manipulated. No one is guilted, threatened, or too afraid to say no.

• Reversible: A yes can become a no at any time. Consent is never permanent.

• Informed: All parties know what they are saying yes to. There are no surprises, lies, or withheld truths.

• Enthusiastic: Consent should sound like “I want this,” not “I guess it’s fine.”

• Specific: Agreeing to one act or dynamic doesn’t mean agreeing to everything.

If any of these elements are missing, it isn’t true consent.

The Quiet Power of Power

Power doesn’t just exist in titles or money. It hides in age gaps, experience levels, emotional influence, and social capital. Sometimes it shows up as one partner being the more established voice in a polycule. Sometimes it’s a dominant in a D/s relationship shaping every choice the submissive makes. Even spiritual or artistic influence can skew a relationship’s balance.

What makes power dangerous is how quietly it can shift the conditions of a yes.

Example: Harvey Weinstein Many of the women who came forward about Weinstein said yes to meetings, favors, or even intimacy, but only because they felt they had no choice. The consequences of saying no felt too high. These were not misunderstandings. They were violations cloaked in compliance.

Substance Use and the Limits of Consent

Consent requires clarity. Alcohol and drugs impair that clarity. If someone is intoxicated or high enough that they would not be trusted to drive a car or make a legal decision, they should not be considered capable of giving consent.

This is especially important in polyamorous and kink communities where social events can involve drinking, weed, or psychedelics. Consent must be secured when everyone is in a grounded, clear-minded state. If you are unsure, you wait. Period.

Example: The Kavanaugh HearingsIn 2018, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testified before Congress that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh had assaulted her while drunk at a high school party. She described being pinned down, covered, silenced. Her story sparked global debate not only about trauma and memory but about how intoxication blurs the boundaries of power and consent. Kavanaugh denied the allegations. But millions of survivors saw their stories reflected in hers, and it raised a critical question: how much does society excuse when alcohol is involved and power is at stake?

Grooming, Gaslighting, and the Slow Erosion of Autonomy

Consent can be manipulated over time, especially when power is wrapped in charm, access, or promises of protection. This is grooming. It is a slow, deliberate erosion of boundaries. It happens when someone builds trust only to use it as a tool of control. Grooming doesn’t always look like violence at first. It often looks like attention, love, mentorship, or opportunity.

This can happen between adults just as easily as it can with minors. It can happen in spiritual circles, polyamorous dynamics, mentorship roles, or kink relationships. The common thread is that one person slowly gains psychological, emotional, or financial control until “yes” is no longer a free choice, it’s a survival mechanism.

Example: Sean “Diddy” Combs and Cassie Ventura As of this writing, Sean Combs stands trial in federal court on charges of sex trafficking, racketeering, and coercion. Central to the prosecution’s case is the testimony of his former partner, Cassie Ventura, who alleges she was groomed, manipulated, and physically and sexually abused over an 11-year relationship.

Cassie described being introduced to drugs and forced into degrading “freak-off” scenarios with others while under surveillance and psychological control. The relationship began when she was a young singer under his label, and over time, she became increasingly isolated. The grooming wasn’t only sexual it was professional, emotional, and financial. He allegedly maintained control by mixing extravagant gifts with emotional violence, threats, and manipulation.

Other witnesses, including former employees, supported her accounts. They described a toxic, exploitative environment where women were often coerced, monitored, and silenced. Combs has pleaded not guilty, but the trial is revealing a disturbing pattern of abuse, not just of individuals, but of the systems that protect power and wealth over truth and accountability.

This case is not just about a celebrity scandal. It is a mirror for how grooming operates: slowly, strategically, and often invisibly until the damage is done.

When Women Hold the Power

While many conversations about power and consent center on men abusing their positions, it's essential to recognize that abuse is not gendered. Women, too, can be the ones in control, and they can cause deep harm when their power goes unchecked.

Actress Allison Mack, for example, was a central figure in the NXIVM cult, recruiting and coercing women into a secretive "sisterhood" that demanded obedience, nudity, and submission. The abuse was spiritual, emotional, and sexual—carried out under the illusion of empowerment.

Asia Argento, a prominent voice in the #MeToo movement, was later accused of sexually assaulting a 17-year-old actor. Though she positioned herself as a survivor—and was—she was also, in this case, a person who wielded power and violated someone else’s boundaries.

In some polyamorous or spiritual communities, powerful women have used healing roles, community status, or housing security to pressure younger or newer partners into sexual or emotional entanglements they were not ready for. Language like “jealousy is your trauma,” or “you just aren’t evolved enough,” can become coercive when used to override someone’s genuine discomfort or need for boundaries.

Whether male or female, cis or queer, dominant or submissive, power is power, and all of us must be willing to examine how we use it, and how it affects the people around us.

Polyamory, Kink, and the Myth of Consent Superiority

In polyamorous and kink communities, we talk a lot about consent. There are contracts, checklists, negotiations, safe words. These are good tools. But tools do not make a culture.

Even the most well-read kinkster or poly leader can cause harm if they use their experience to override another’s discomfort. And even the most evolved relationship structure can still pressure someone into saying yes out of fear of exclusion or being “too jealous,” “too vanilla,” or “not ready.”

Real consent isn’t just about what is allowed. It’s about what is safe, mutual, and desired.

The Questions That Matter

Instead of asking, “Did they say yes?” we need to ask:

• Did they feel free to say no?

• Was their yes rooted in desire or fear?

• Did my role, status, or behavior influence their answer?

• Would they feel safe changing their mind?

True intimacy begins when we are brave enough to ask these questions and humble enough to listen to the answers.

A Culture of Consent Is a Culture of Care

Consent is not just a contract or a conversation. It is a way of showing up with presence, with ethics, with empathy. Especially in complex relationship styles like polyamory and kink, where trust is the foundation and boundaries are often pushed, we must be even more diligent in how we practice consent.

This means:

• Normalizing the right to slow down or stop

• Treating consent as something that evolves, not something given once and assumed forever

• Being accountable when we’ve gotten it wrong

• Supporting survivors when they speak, even when it’s uncomfortable

Consent is love in action. It is liberation in motion. And it is only real when it is freely given, clearly understood, and deeply respected. Anything less is not just a misstep. It’s a violation.

If we want relationships rooted in trust and intimacy, we must do more than get a yes. We must learn what it means to deserve one.